For that Sparkly, Shotgun Wedding

Perhaps the Myans were correct, and just in time for Christmas shopping.

Things you won’t have to worry about this week: engaged men and women having to leave behind their obsession with Twilight. Now, both the bride and groom can adorn themselves with Bella and Edward’s jewelry — if they shop for rings, like most people do, at Bed Bath and Beyond, a store that simultaneously screams romance, mass production, and shoe organization.

And, for only $3,000, (after the obligatory, weekly 20% discount), you can be just like the cold-blooded bloodsucker that marries Edward Cullen. On the other hand, if you’re in a pinch and in need of an immediate wedding before your spawn of Satan bursts forth from your uterus, but can’t afford a top-notch, gaudy ring, then you can settle for the white-topaz equally gaudy ring for $120 (again after the discount).

What better way to prophesy a marriage than by wearing jewelry that signifies a poorly written narrative about a brooding, whiny girl, the undead, their lupine friend, and terrifying progeny. I suppose this is better than the cradle from Rosemary’s Baby, but pledging your undying love with a token of fairytalism portends struggle and years of wishing things were more like the movies.

Or, maybe it suggests that people will buy anything.